I won’t say I’ll never hurt you.


Chances are I will. I’ll make mistakes. I’ll break promises. I’ll fight with you. I’ll make you scream. I’ll make you not want to be with me anymore. But even so, I will always learn from my mistakes. I’ll never give up on us. I’ll always apologize. I’ll always love you. I’m not perfect. I never will be. But I also don’t want to be dishonest and promise you things I can’t keep. I’d rather show you my faults and try to make up for them.

Why is it that I became hesitant every time a new experience pop up?! Given a primitive response of all organism is the “Fight and Flight Response”. Why can’t I have the will to fight? Why is it that my instincts is telling to flight, run away? Epinephrine builds up, creating more stress. Why is it that I have to contemplate about my life or the future that I want to have, obtain, desire. After posting the ” Name something you like about me” on facebook, I receive all the lovely comments and I will now tell you what I think.

"Always Happy" - That’s entirely not true. Me being always happy is only what I want you to perceive. In fact, I’m sad, lonely, and occasionally heartbroken. Most of the Time, I’m not as "Always happy" as you think I am. I wouldn’t want to make people worry about my problems at all. I also wouldn’t want them to delve into my miserable life to help me, because it can change many variables of how they would perceive me as - low self-esteem, coward, weak, stupid, blind and so forth. So it’s me being "Always Happy" i one thing I’m trying to be positive about, but I thank you for seeing me that way.

" I like. Your. Derp-ness" - To humiliate myself with stupid quotes, Jim Carrie facial expressions and undeniably stupid actions, just to get the approval of society; codename: Social Acceptance. I also like to actually make people laugh at this point. WHY?! I am depressed and by making others smile instead of mine, It converts my pain to pleasure onto people who needs it the most. I can sympathise most of the people’s experience and whether they are sad, angry or a sign of no hope and that’s because I have experienced that path of pain before. This time, I want to be there and comfort them. Being a derp, to comfort and support  all the best I can and converting that pain to laughter, humour and other signs of a funny, yet positive atmosphere. You are definitely one of my Best friend that could understand me. 

" A complicated man needs an understanding girl" - Quoted some a friend of mine.

" Your Funny" - This relates to the previous comment ( In " I like. Your. Derp-ness" ). Most of my humour are non-offensive insult-based humour.

" The Letter e" - This is an introverted troll… His relatively different online. Compared to the online and in person. He is an introvert in person and never talks, always had his head down looking at the ground out of shyness. but as soon as he is online, He became an annoying fuck. LOL he is a good fella, but I don’t know him well, we casually talk online and that’s why I said he is an annoy fuck, but as in a positive aspect, not a negative.

"Your randomness" - Again, relates to " Your Funny"  and " I like. Your. Derp-ness". Being random is a part of being humourous, although, because of this, I would never show my predictable emotions and actions. I would conceal my actual personality that no-body would know about.

"You are very Friendly and funny" - And you sometimes and actually got me frustrated, because you always ask for my answers instead of trying to understand it yourself. I even tried to make you understand and you still persist on asking for answers. Now that you no longer do this, I can help you understand any question you ask, as long as you try to understand the concept and after that, I’ll give you my answers, but only to compare results of your own.

"Asian boss in Micro 2" - This guys is also troll and a Pho addict.

It got me thinking for several days. How difficult it is to actually try and blog about the most problematic situation of my life, including family conflicts and undesirable love. But I think I found an alternative. It’s been 3 weeks eversince that unfortunate event, but I found a way that I can release my…eagerness to vent. Now, writing it in a book or “diary” isn’t the best option for me, but I will attempt to write it, but this time, it’s without anyone knowing. Now, this is the difficult part. Writing something without anyone knowing will be a tough start, so I’ll be, from then on, write my love-life in my “diary”. I will still blog about my life adventures and some concepts of loving a person generally and the way I see. I’ll see how it goes,

Okay, this is the last one:

It’s very frustrating that all I think about was the person who I thought I would spend my time with. The Korean song, Some - by SoYou (sistar) and Junggigo got me in a flashback. A Film of WongFu Production “After Us” got my in a deep reminiscent . I thought these were a sign of something. I really can’t deal with it. It’s also hard to go and buy my dessert without having to bump into her because its where she works. Briefly, the other day, when I was on my way to uni, there was a familiar scent and realised it was her. There was something about her scent that made me dazed and actually know that she’s around.Was it called pheromones? i don’t know. Anywho, I was looking around to see if she’s here so I can talk to her. Following the scent, she was right in front of me. My whole body quivered and so is my chest. As she walk over to the bus stand, I bought my ticket and walked over. The distance was at 10 meters and my eyes are already locked in to her in admiration. But when our eyes met and lock. I got so nervous and quivered more… and then I unconsciously turned away, walking into a different direction. I wasn’t ready to face her and that I am a coward, I don’t think it’s a good option to talk. I took another bus as the first bus has arrived and she got on. I felt depressed and I wasn’t in the right mind. This whole relationship is difficult than I have anticipated.

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